Tomato
by Fayth3
Summary: Everyone agrees the war started with a tomato.


There would always be some debate as to who had actually started the war; both sides blamed each other, of course. There was also never-ending contention as to who actually won the war since both sides claimed victory.

But one thing remained the same: everyone knew it started with a tomato.

The great hall was awash with the sounds of the ending of another day at Hogwarts; the joyous echo of another day of classes survived; the sharing of stories and gossip and of scars and secrets.

All four House tables boasted a full complement of students eagerly consuming the spread in front of them, appetites worked up from a full day of learning. And what a spread it was. As a concession to the sudden heat wave, salads and Jacket potatoes lay amidst a variety of finger foods and dips; coleslaw and potato salad, hummus and crackers, gherkins and pineapple, cheese and tortilla chips. The House Elves had really outdone themselves and managed to make healthy food look enticing to teenagers.

The Hufflepuffs were methodically making their way through the meal, the Ravenclaws passing clever remarks as they dined, the Slytherins slyly sliding the last portions onto their plates while most eyes in the Gryffindor House were pretending not to watch as Ron Weasley slowly drove Hermione Granger to the breaking point.

It appeared that the redhead had been badgering her all day for some reason and she was fast running out of patience. She had obviously been raking her hand through her hair in frustration as her tumble of unruly curls was starting to resemble a crow's nest. The snap of fire in her eye and the increasingly terse tone of voice would have warned anybody else off, but Ron was made of more stubborn stuff and he insisted on pushing, ignoring the sage advice of his other best friend and his little sister; both of whom could see the danger signs of a Know-it-all explosion.

"Come on, Hermione!" he wheedled. "I said I was sorry."

"And I accept your apology," she said stiffly. "That doesn't mean I want to go out with you again."

"But you've forgiven me, so why not?" He batted his lashes at her, looking like a startled ginger cat. "Come on."

"No."

"It was a mistake," he whined and Hermione closed her eyes, slowly taking a deep breath.

"You can't keep punishing me for it, I said I was sorry."

Hermione unclenched her jaw and stared down at her dinner. "That doesn't negate the fact that you cheated on me, Ron. One week after we started going out, you were making out with Pansy Parkinson. Just because she dumped you, that doesn't mean that I will take you back."

"She didn't dump me." A red flush made its way up his face. "We decided it wasn't going to work because she's a Slytherin and I am a Gryffindor."

"Of all the-" Hermione cut herself off and rubbed her face. "Whatever." She reached for her water goblet and took a long cooling sip, trying not to succumb to the temptation of throwing it in Ron Weasley's face. He really had a nerve. Voldemort was vanquished, seventh year started and no sooner had she finally agreed to date him, he was found in a lip-lock with Pansy Parkinson, of all people. She had to sit back and watch as they sucked face for weeks and now that the dark-haired beauty was done with him, he assumed that Hermione was going to take him back?

Over her dead body.

She glanced over at Harry, who was shifting his shoulders uneasily. He hated being caught in the middle of one of their arguments and had found these past few months very difficult. He had always tried to be loyal to Ron, who had been his very first friend, but Hermione had stuck with him when no one else would and he owed her more than he owed anyone.

Thankfully she hadn't made him choose and hadn't seemed to mind when he hung around Ron- infrequent as that was since Ron was plastered to Pansy's face most of the time. It was worse than it had been during that whole Lavender Brown debacle.

But now it was all done and Harry just wished Ron would shut up and allow them to build their friendship back up before trying for more. Maybe all that kissing had sucked out some of his brain cells.

"Ron," Harry asked, "did you do all your Transfiguration homework?"

As distractions went it was pretty poor since no one (with the exception of Hermione Granger) did their homework before they absolutely had to.

"What?"

Harry swallowed. "Just wondered cuz McGonagall isn't here." He gestured up to the dais from which their stern transfiguration teacher was conspicuously absent.

"Probably in a meeting with Dumbledore," Ron said with a shrug. "He's not here either."

"Wonder what they're up to." The words left Harry's mouth before he really thought about it and he turned green as the image manifested.

Ron just gave him a disgusted look and turned his attention back to trying to woo his ex.

"Why won't you give me another chance?"

"Because I don't fancy you anymore!" Hermione snapped, too annoyed to care about the hurt look on Ron's face. Not that it mattered because that hurt was rapidly turning to speculation and finally to determination.

"We've got that potions thing. We always have. And I'm going to prove it."

"Potions thing?" Harry wrinkled his nose. "What potions thing?"

"I think he means chemistry," Ginny offered. "Leave it, Ron."

"No." Ron put down his cutlery and leaned suddenly towards Hermione who lunged back instinctively.

"What are you doing?" she asked, eyes wide.

"Proving that we've still got chemistry." He reached for her arm and tried to haul her close to him. Hermione batted his hands away.

"Are you mad? We're in the Great Hall- people can see you!"

"Don't care," Ron said mulishly. "I'm proving a point."

He leaned forward again, yanking her closer, and closed his eyes, puckering his lips towards Hermione.

Hermione couldn't get her arm out of his tight grip and so she did what any self-respecting witch would do- she went for her wand.

But before she could do more than take it out of her sleeve, there was a loud exclamation and a huge red tomato hit Ron square in the face.

The tomato exploded on impact covering Ron, Ginny and Harry with red pulp, juice and seeds. Hermione had her head turned away from Ron so had missed most of the explosion except for a scattered few seeds on her robes.

There was a huge gasp that had every head in the hall turning towards the Gryffindor table. Giggles broke out at the sight of Ron with tomato pulp sliding down his face and slopping onto his plate.

"What the hell, Hermione!" Ron said, hand reaching up to swipe at the mess.

"Wasn't me!" she denied flatly. "It came from over that way."

Ron looked at Harry who shook his head. "It went whizzing past my head."

He looked past his best friend to the Ravenclaw table where Cormack McLaggen was grinning widely at him, a smug look on his face.

"Oh yeah?" Ron hissed. "We'll see about that!"

He reached down and grabbed a tomato from the salad on his plate.

"Ron, don't-"

Too late. The red fruit was hurtling towards the boy's face. He had just enough time to duck and it went sailing over his table to thud against the back of Goyle's head.

Ron gulped as the enormous hulk of a boy turned around.

"Oops."

"That," said Harry, "is why you're not a Beater."

"Shut up, Harry. Goyle's going to kill me!" Ron whimpered, slamming back down into his seat. And indeed the anger that erupted over Goyle's face could only be adequately described with the words 'Fe Fi Fo Fum'.

The Slytherin reached onto his own plate, scooped a handful of something and threw it at Ron.

Sadly, Goyle wasn't allowed on the Quidditch team at all, let alone as a Beater, and the humus he threw went wildly awry and managed to hit just about every Hufflepuff between him and Ron.

Hufflepuffs are known for being quiet and loyal. But when attacked they fight back.

Zacharias Smith scooped up some potato salad and tossed it at Goyle: he missed, and it splattered all over Tracey Davis, who retaliated by levitating a bowl of horseradish dressing over to the Hufflepuff table and up-ending it over Wayne Hopkins.

Meanwhile, Cormack had decided to get even with Ron by unleashing a volley of carrot sticks.

As the orange missiles headed into the throngs of Gryffindors all hell broke loose.

Humus, taramasalata, guacamole and Tzatziki were rained down on tables like dirty bombs, spattering whoever they landed next to. Carrot batons became missiles, cucumber slices were silent but messy projectiles. tomatoes were grenades. Lettuce leaves, grapes, olives, ham slices, pickles, sweet corn, onions and peppers were lobbed from table to table as old grudges were resurrected and acted upon in a barrage of fruit and vegetables.

The House Elves had conjured up a wonderful feast; the students transmogrified it into a healthy, juicy, squishy, and very colourful arsenal.

"Stop!" Pomona Spout waved her arms ineffectually, her shrill voice not even cutting through the noise as House launched against House. "I demand that you- Urgh" She was hit in the head by an aubergine.

Professor Flitwick grabbed her arm and hauled her under the table. "It's no good, Pomona. Madness has gripped them. Nothing we can do. Best get Dumbledore."

"And admit we can't control the students?"

She made a brave effort and poked her head above table level only to duck quickly as a shard of celery went flying over her head. "What should we do?"

Flitwick looked around the hall, then looked down at the woman hiding by his side, pondering what Minerva McGonagall would say at this moment. He shuddered. "If we crawl out of that door we can say we weren't here."

Pomona beamed. "Excellent idea."

So the two last bulwarks of common sense crawled out of the room and hoped someone would happen upon the children before they completely demolished the Great Hall.

They weren't the only ones taking shelter. Hermione had headed towards a few terrified first years and managed to gather them under the Hufflepuff table; she cast a shielding charm around them while they watched in horrified fascination as the blue bubble deflected flying chicken nuggets and pickled onions.

Hermione sat with them, staring at her fellow school mates with a mix of indulgence and disbelief. They were acting like toddlers and no one would believe that they had just won a war against the darkest evil of all.

She edged out of the way as another child crawled towards them, her battle scars displayed in mayonnaise and egg yolk.

Hermione undid the bubble for a second to allow her to slide in.

"You okay?" she asked the girl who was visibly shaking.

"It's getting meaner out there. Wayne Hopkins just attacked Daphne Greengrass with a courgette."

Hermione sighed. "Just be glad Fred and George Weasley aren't here or every time someone touched a pumpkin they'd turn into a mouse." She looked around and sighed again. "Okay, I'm going to have to go and get Professor Dumbledore."

"You're leaving us?" squeaked Amanda Higginbotham, a Ravenclaw second year.

"I'll ensure the bubble is secure," Hermione reassured her. "But someone has to stop this before anyone gets seriously hurt. I think the Professor could reason with them."

"Pfft," sniffed a pretty Slytherin that Hermione didn't know. "Last I saw Ginny Weasley was stuffing ham down Marcus Norifi's shirt. We're past reason."

Hermione just gave her a look and deactivated her bubble shield. She crawled out from under the table and cast the spell again behind her leaving a group of hapless children in a calm oasis in the storm.

She edged past the House tables, wrinkling her nose at the filth that covered the floor. The tiles were slick with vegetable pulp and fruit juice and the hall was starting to smell like a compost heap. She got off her knees and went into a crouch.

A flying cantaloupe soared past her head and she ducked just in time to avoid being injured by a marrow. She stared as it hit the floor.

A full, uncut, uncooked marrow.

"Huh."

"Look out!"

Hermione half-turned only to be tackled to the floor, a watermelon dropping next to her and cracking open on impact. She turned her head so as not to get a face full of juice only to feel the sudden warmth of a bubble charm surround and protect her.

She glanced up into the shining grey eyes of Draco Malfoy.

The usually debonair and immaculate Slytherin had mustard on his robes, asparagus in his hair and a smear of sour cream on his face.

He was also sporting the biggest grin she had ever seen.

"You know, for one of the saviours of wizard kind, you really should pay more attention to your surroundings."

She sat up. "I wasn't expecting to nearly get concussed by a watermelon."

"Constant vigilance," Malfoy waggled his finger. "The enemy comes in all shapes and sizes."

"Watermelon-shaped?"

He shrugged and despite being covered in edible weaponry he still managed to look charming doing so.

"Or sour cream shaped?" Hermione lifted a finger and swiped it over the smudge on his cheek. Before she could wipe it off, he grabbed her hand and lifted her finger to his lips.

Not taking his eyes off hers he lowered his head and sucked the digit into his mouth. His tongue swirled around her nail and his teeth grazed against her fingertip.

She smiled at him indulgently. "You're going to get us into trouble."

He let her finger go with a pop and gestured to the chaos around them. "More trouble than this?"

"Did you have to throw a tomato at him?"

Draco sniffed. "He had his hands all over you and he was trying to kiss you. At least it was a tomato and not a hex."

"True." She frowned as a large dragon-fruit bounced off the shield. "You know, I think the House Elves are supplying them with ammunition. Most of these fruit and vegetables are raw and whole now."

"Everyone knows the House Elves love a good food fight- they're probably taking bets." Draco looked down at his robes in disgust.

Hermione reached up to remove the asparagus from his hair. "As adorable as you are, Draco, there is only one man that can carry off a decorative vegetable and that's the Doctor."

"Who?"

"Yeah, him."

Draco frowned and captured her hand again. "Why didn't you just tell the ginger freak that you were taken?"

Hermione flushed slightly. "I didn't realise I was."

He tensed. "What do you mean?"

She looked down at her hands, not wanting to meet his all-too-knowing eyes. "I mean that you've never outwardly stated what we are and I didn't want to presume."

"Granger," he moaned. "I got Pansy to seduce the Weasel- and don't think I don't owe her for that. I orchestrated your break-up with the lacklustre loser, I waited for weeks to seduce you and I've agreed to meet your bloody parents. I think you can presume."

Hermione shrugged. "But you've not said anything to anyone. I figured you wanted to keep us a secret. That maybe you were ashamed of me or afraid of what your friends would say."

He reached over and cupped her cheek. "I don't give a sodding Salazar what the others think of us. Only you and me. I've wanted you since before the war. Now you're mine and everyone else can go hang."

"So... you don't mind if the others find out about us? I mean, I imagine it will cause some upset."

Draco laughed and pulled her closer. "Let's find out."

And with that he undid the bubble charm and stood up, dragging her behind him as he stood on the nearest chair and clambered on top of the table.

And there in the sight of everyone, in the middle of the worst (or best, depending on your point of view) food fight that Hogwarts had ever seen, Draco Malfoy kissed Hermione Granger like his life depended on it.

Slowly, very slowly, as this incredible spectacle caught the students' attention, the fighting stopped... only to be replaced by unabashed gaping at the snogging couple.

Oddly enough, Ron Weasley and Harry Potter were the last to notice the cease-fire as they were too busy stuffing cucumber slices up Crabbe's jumper.

They finally noticed as silence fell and their eyes at last followed the rest to the kissing couple on the table.

Ron flushed under the layers of tomato, egg and thousand island dressing that coated his features. "Wha-!"

"That would be Hermione and Malfoy," Luna said casually, picking up some radishes with a speculative glint in her eye. "Aren't they cute?"

"Cute?" Ron gaped at her and then at them and then at Harry who was rubbing his glasses on his robes, removing one coat of muck only to smear another on them.

"Can't see," Harry muttered, "not happening."

Ron glowered and looked around. In front of him, somehow miraculously escaping the carnage was a large red tomato. With a wicked grin he picked it up, aimed at Malfoy, and hauled back.

"MR. WEASLEY IF YOU THROW THAT TOMATO YOU WILL HAVE DETENTION FOR A MONTH!"

Hermione broke away from Draco as all eyes turned to Professor McGonagall, who was standing in the doorway with the Headmaster.

Dumbledore had his hands behind his back and was looking around the room, his expression cheerful and yet oddly menacing.

McGonagall was easier to read. She was spitting furious. "What on earth is going on here?"

"Slytherin started it," Ron said quickly.

"Did not!"

"Did too."

"Not!" A chorus of voices screamed back and forth.

"SILENCE!" Dumbledore shouted and immediate silence reigned. "Perhaps, Minerva, it might be best if we left blame for the moment and concentrated on discipline."

"Quite." The Scottish lady sniffed haughtily.

Dumbledore clicked his fingers and ten House Elves appeared. "Please furnish the students with cleaning utensils and rubbish bags."

They bowed and vanished.

"I am as fond of hijinks as the next person." He cast a sideways glance at McGonagall who sniffed again. "Perhaps not. However, this behaviour is unacceptable. As punishment, you will all clean the dining hall by hand- without the use of magic."

"Aww!" the wave of muttered disapproval ebbed through the room.

"No one is to leave until the room is at the same standard it was before." He looked up. A string of runner beans dangled from the crystal chandelier above his head. "I suggest you get started."

He turned to leave. "Oh and Mr. Malfoy?,Miss Granger?"

They started guiltily at the Headmaster.

"Yes, sir?"

"Ten points each for inter-House unity. Now get off the table."

"Yes, sir."

It took two hours for the four houses to clean the entire Great Hall. It took less than a month for everyone to accept Hermione and Draco as a couple. It took six months before the House Elves were permitted to serve salad again. The Great Food Fight went down in history and was later added to _Hogwarts: A History_.

There would always be some debate as to who had actually started the war - only a select number were actually aware of Draco Malfoy's amazing aim- and there was never-ending contention as to who actually won the war, although Draco maintained it was him.

But one thing remained the same; everyone knew it started with a tomato.


End file.
